This post is a multi-purpose one. First, it is an apology and explanation to my fans and friends who certainly deserve one after the way I simply dropped off the face of the earth. Secondly, it is a line in the sand, me saying, "Enough is enough, it's time to be brave and rejoin the world again". Thirdly, it's a declaration of intent, and finally, it's a plea for help, something I have not historically been very good at asking for.
During the first few weeks of the Covid epidemic, I had a breakdown of sorts. I believe it was autistic burnout (If you don't know what that is, here is a good article, or for something shorter and sweeter you can look at the National Autistic Society) although it was never officially diagnosed.
Before lockdown, I was already struggling with life, particularly the demands of promoting and marketing my work. I don't take to such things naturally and I was becoming more and more stressed out. When lockdown hit, I broke. I won't go too deeply into what happened. Needless to say, there was a lot of bleach involved (not drinking it thankfully. Suicidal thoughts have never been able to intrude into the crazy, but usually pretty optimistic jumble in my head), I slept a lot and I worried my family.
I was diagnosed with anxiety in the middle of lockdown and I spent all my time either writing or gaming without emerging from my blankie for anything else other than bleaching the shopping, furniture, my hands, etc when I had to.
Since then, I have not been able to pull things all the way back. I lost most of my coping skills and became more and more withdrawn. I don't know quite how to explain it, but I became more autistic than I have ever been. I became almost pathologically afraid of social media and I haven't been able to do anything at all. At one point, I was afraid that if I so much as opened Facebook, everyone would know and would try to pull me back in, something that terrified me so much I had nightmares about it.
Trust me, if I had been able to post, comment, publish etc, I would have. I wanted to, but I was paralyzed by fear. At no point did I mean the slightest disrespect to my friends and fans, and I know you deserved at least a few words of explanation, but I didn't have it in me to give then.
Right now, my hands are shaking writing this post, because I'm nowhere near back where I should be. However, I can't hide forever and as patient and understanding as my publishers have been, they are businesses and they deserve my effort as much as you do. Therefore, I am back, albeit in a diminished capacity.
I would like to thank my publishers, especially eXtasy who have been waiting for the third book in the Dark Fairytales series for almost three years. I promise you all that it is finally finished and all I have left to do is go through it and check that all the plot holes are closed and loose ends tied up. The manuscript will be submitted very soon and hopefully, the book will be out this year.
Anyone who has ever read my blog, or seen any of my social media, will know how much in love I am with my Enigma series, with my darling former slave, Silver, and his devoted boyfriend, River. I expanded the initial two books, to three, which my dear friend Red Haircrow published for me on Smashwords through their own publishing company Flying with RedHaircrow. Sadly, we had to take them down and they are no longer available, but the good news is that the trilogy is now a five-part series which I intend to submit in the next couple of days, so hopefully that will be something to look forward to if anyone is prepared to pick them up. I truly hope so, as they are undoubtedly the best series I have ever written.
And now the plea for help. I can't cope with the marketing/promotion. I know that. It broke me once and I know it will break me again if I try to pick it up. I need help. At the very least I need to have an in-depth consultation with someone to formulate a plan for the future, and ideally, I need someone who can give me ongoing support and/or advice. I don't have a lot of money but I have some and I'm not asking for anything for nothing. What I''m hoping for are ideas and suggestions.
In the meantime, I won't be starting up my newsletter, but I will be making an effort to post on at least one social medium every day and to this blog once a fortnight. It's not much, but it's a start. I hope you forgive me and I will try my best not to let you down again.
For the first two books in the Dark Fairytales series check out eXtasy Publishing
