Christmas is a special time for everyone. It's also stressful and confusing, especially for someone like Silver who is still trying to get used to the world as a free man, after seven years as a slave.
Silver's story is told in
Enigma and
Enigma II - Fighting the Man
Here is a story about Silver's first Christmas as a free man.
I don’t
understand Christmas. River has tried to explain many times but gets frustrated
because, really, he doesn’t understand it himself.
The Nativity
is very confusing. There are pictures and little models everywhere of a baby,
with animals and angels and sheep. River has tried to explain what it means and
it’s a pretty story but he seems to think it’s real. Lots of people do.
I find religion
as a whole confusing. There are too many questions with no answers. When I get
to a hard one people say things like ‘It’s in the Bible’, or ‘You just have to
have faith’. I’ve read the Bible but it’s a horrible book. They kill babies and
destroy whole civilisations because God tells them to. God seems to be cruel
and harsh and the whole situation reminds me a lot of when I was a slave. You
obey your Master in all things, no matter what you might think of them, and if
you don’t you’re horribly punished. To me, faith is fear - you have to do it
even if you don’t want to because if you don’t something bad will happen.
To me, all
religions are the same. You have to just accept that things are true when they
can’t be true. It’s the ‘have to’ that scares me. I have a lot of trouble with
‘have to’. There’s still such a strong compulsion to obey unquestioningly that
I have to remind myself I have a choice. And that’s another thing that scares
me; having to make that choice.
River and I
talked about this one day, when I was reading about religion a lot. I got
really upset because I was torn in different directions. I knew in my heart it was wrong but the
compulsion was so strong I couldn’t let it go. I read all the ‘Holy Books’ and
went to different churches, trying to find a way I could comply with all the
commands but not compromise my heart. It was a horrible time and I’m still not
easy with the whole thing, which is why Christmas scares me so much.
I’m trying
very hard to listen to my inner voice, as River taught me, but it’s not easy,
especially when the world is full of commands I have to struggle with every
day. ‘What do you want’ is a really hard one and I get asked that a lot, every
day. Even River asks me and I try my best to listen to my inner voice but half
the time I just say what I think he wants because it hurts me to make decisions
like that.
Then there is
the whole thing about Father Christmas. I see him everywhere; a big fat man
with a beard dressed in red. He’s supposed to come down the chimney on
Christmas Eve and leave presents underneath a tree that grows inside. I can’t
see how a man that big can come down a chimney, or how he could give presents
to everyone in one night. At first, River told me it was ‘magic’ and that
worried me a lot because I was being told to ‘believe’ again and I was torn
between the compulsion and the inability to comply.
When I told
River I was having a hard time, he admitted none of it was true; it was just a
story, but not like the Nativity, because the Nativity was true. People tell
their children the story about Father Christmas is true even though they know
it isn’t. I tried to tell River it’s wrong to lie to children but he said it
was an okay lie and warned me that if I told anyone’s children Father Christmas
doesn’t exist I’d get into trouble. Thank goodness Ben is old enough to not
believe the stories anymore.
The lights are
pretty though. Lots of people have them in their windows and on the outside of
their houses. Some of the houses in the streets with front gardens have lit up
reindeer, or moving Father Christmases, and there’s lots of snow everywhere.
I love snow.
It makes me feel shivery inside, but not in a cold way. I was so excited the
first time I saw snow. I danced in the garden and felt so light, as if the snow
swirled me up and made everything new. Of course, it doesn’t because when the
snow melts everything underneath is still the same, only muddier, but for a
while everything is sparkling and still and silent. I like that; I like it a
lot.
In the art
shop where I work they have all kinds of ‘seasonal displays’ which means
everything has a Christmassy theme, with lots of reds and greens and snow. We
stock craft kits and Rusty, the manager, ordered in lots of Christmas related
things. I made River get some and we did them with Ben. It was a lot of fun.
We each have
our own decoration hanging on the Christmas Tree. Ben’s is all black with
silver squiggles on in. River’s is red and green with real holly stuck on it
and mine is frosty silver with snowflakes painted on. Did you know that no two
snowflakes are the same? So many of them fall and they all look the same, just
soft white feathers falling from the sky, but they’re not the same, not at all.
I made another
tree decoration as a surprise. I worked on it at the shop. It has miniatures of
Ben and River on it; Ben on one side and River on the other. It’s beautiful. It
was a surprise. They were very excited.
We also made a
snow scene for the window. I don’t know why people do that, and neither does
River, not really, but they’re so pretty we did it anyway. I brought some kits
home from the shop to do the tiny houses, and some fake snow that came in a
glass tube and got bigger and bigger when we put water on it. Ben painted
glitter on the roofs and some of the snow to make it look like the way snow
glitters. River and I made tiny trees and roads and a river and… well, to be
honest, I did it. River was supposed to be helping but he just sat and looked
at me most of the time. I like it when River does that; looks at me with that
expression on his face. It makes me feel warm inside.
All in all,
Christmas is quite a stressful time. River has been running round like a crazy
man, and getting cross all the time. I hope it will get better when Christmas
is over.
My favourite
parts were getting the tree, it makes the house smell so lovely, and, of
course, the presents. I don’t have much money but I had so much fun shopping.
Ariel came with me and I laughed the whole time. Ariel’s like that; he makes me
laugh no matter what and I can’t be scared when he’s around. It’s not that I’m
scared of being out in the world anymore…well… Actually, I am still scared but
I can control it now. I’ve told River I’m not and that’s the closest I get to
lying to him. If I told him the truth he’d worry and he’d get all protective.
My independence is too important to jeopardise by confessing how hard it is to
maintain.
Today, is
Christmas Eve. The whole house is glittering with lights and decorations, the
presents are all wrapped and under the tree and there’s a saucepan of mulled
wine keeping warm on the stove for when Ben goes to bed. He’s pushing things
with River. It’s already an hour past his bedtime and River’s getting impatient
for ‘our’ time. They’re squabbling. I’ll go over in a minute and sort it out.
Ben always listens to me. I don’t know why, but he never argues with me like he
does with River. I guess it’s because they’re brothers and I’m not.
It’s snowing.
The white flakes are so soft and silent. I like to follow them down from the
sky to the ground. They’re not like rain. Rain is fast and makes a lot of
noise, at least when it’s this heavy it does. Snow doesn’t make any noise at
all at it seems to suck all the sound out of the rest of the world. It makes
everything soft, white and silent. Oh boy do I love snow.
“Watcha
looking at?”
I can’t
believe I got so caught up with the snow I didn’t even notice Ben going to bed.
“Snow.”
“I thought so.
That’s what I told Ben.”
“Ben?”
“He wanted to
say goodnight, but you looked so beautiful with that misty expressions on your
face, we decided we’d let you stay there for a while.”
“You should
have called me, River. You know Ben likes to say goodnight to me. I wouldn’t
have minded.”
“You were far
away, darling.”
“Not that
far.”
“Far enough to
not notice that I’ve been sitting there for almost ten minutes since Ben went
to bed, watching you.”
“Really?”
“Do you have
any idea how beautiful you are when you’re dreamy like that?”
“I don’t, but
you keep telling me, and I trust you so I guess I have to believe you.”
I turn in
River’s arms and look down at him. He hates that he’s shorter than I am. I like
it. It means he can tuck himself into my chest and I can put my arms around him
and feel protective. River protects me so much, sometimes it’s nice to feel I’m
protecting him.
River’s eyes
are shining and he raises his head to kiss me. River’s kisses are so sweet.
They’re not slick and accomplished like many I’ve had, but they’re full of love
and very, very sweet.
“I’ve got
something for you,” River says in a husky voice. “A very special Christmas
Present.”
“You have?
Where is it? Can I have it now?”
“Yes, you can
have it now. I want to give it to you when it’s quiet, just the two of us.
Tomorrow is all about Ben but tonight, tonight is just about us.”
“I have
something special for you, too. I was going to give it to you with all the
others tomorrow but I’ll give it to you tonight. It won’t be fair if I have one
and you don’t.”
“Okay, I’ll
get mine and you get yours. Meet me in front of the fire with glasses of mulled
wine in five minutes.”
A thrill of
excitement shoots through me. I love surprises and this one sounds so lovely.
My present to
River is under the tree and it only takes seconds to grab it. I put it
carefully on the floor at the side of the sofa and hurry to the kitchen to pour
some mulled wine. It smells delicious. On a whim, I put it into some nice
crystal glasses. I hope it’s not too hot. I didn’t realise quite how hot it
was. How hot does something have to be to break crystal glasses?
I carry them
very, very carefully to the living room and put them on the low table, then
curl up on the sheepskin in front of the fire with my back against the sofa.
I look up and
smile when River appears. I’m so excited. I wonder what his gift is. I hope he
likes mine.
River sits next
to me and cuddles up. For a moment the presents are forgotten and I’m lost in
my beautiful River. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am but he’s the one
who’s beautiful, really beautiful. In this flickering firelight his hair shines
with an almost metallic sheen, a kind of dark red, with flashes of gold. I have
to touch it. It’s getting long and curling at the ends. I think it’s growing
because he can’t be bothered to have it cut but I hope he keeps it this way. I
wind one of the curls around my finger and tilt it so the hair catches the
light from the fire. It looks like I’m holding a flame in my hand.
“Earth to
Silver.”
“What?” I
glance up at him, feeling warm and cosy and kind of mushy inside.
“You were far
away again.”
“I was just
thinking how beautiful your hair is. It looks like fire.”
“Nah.” He
takes his hair back and examines the end of it. It’s just long enough to bring
round into his line of vision.
“Hold it up to
the fire, like this.” I tilt his hand until the hair catches fire and he
laughs.
“I guess
you’re right.” Catching me around the waist with both arms he draws me close
and kisses me in that way he has, the one that makes me feel special and
breathless. “Only you, my love. Only you
could make it a good thing that my hair catches fire.” He kisses me again,
gently. “I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve already lit a fire in my heart.”
“Oh, that’s a
beautiful thing to say.”
“I’ve had a
great teacher for making beautiful things.”
That makes me
blush. I know he means me.
“Speaking of
beautiful things,” River says. “I have one for you. At least I hope you’ll
think it’s beautiful.
Handing me a
large, flat package, River gazes at me hopefully. I’m going to tell him this present
is the most beautiful thing in the world no matter whether it is or isn’t.
The wrapping
paper is so lovely, silver with snowflakes all over it, I can hardly bear to
remove it. The snowflakes are raised up and if I close my eyes when I run my fingers
over them I can imagine they’re real; except they aren’t cold, of course.
“Silver?”
“Huh?”
“You’re
getting lost again.”
“But it’s
beautiful. If you close your eyes the snowflakes feel real – except for the
cold.”
“The paper
isn’t the present. You have to take it off to see the present.”
“I know.”
Very
carefully, I slip off the silver ribbon and loosen the tape.
“For goodness
sake, Silver, just rip it off.”
“I can’t rip
it, it’s too pretty to tear. Under the paper is a white box. I fold up the
paper and lay it to one side then stare at the box.” It’s perfect. Smooth and
white with crisp edges and a raised part in the middle that looks like a curled
up dragon. I run my fingers over it and––”
“Silver, if
you don’t get on with it I’m going to open the present myself.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Inside the box
is some tissue paper and when I push it aside I can’t believe my eyes. It’s
amazing. The smell of leather tickles my nose and the touch of it under my
fingers is silky soft. In the middle of the book is a raised place. It’s a
dragon, curled around two silver letters, an S and an R.
“It stands for
Silver and River,” he says unnecessarily. I raise my head, feeling stunned and
fuzzy. I forget to say thank you. It’s just too much. No one has ever given me
anything so beautiful before. I have very few possessions and this is worth
more than all of them together. “Take it out.”
“Can I?”
“Of course you
can. It’s yours. You can do whatever you like with it.”
Running my
fingers over the dragon again, I carefully lift the book out of the box. It’s
quite heavy.
“Open it.”
“Oh, I can’t
do that. It’s too beautiful to open.”
“Silly. What
good is a book you never open?”
I think about
it and realise he’s right. The book is filled with thick, creamy paper. I can
tell it’s the highest quality. I could use this for all kinds of things –
sketching, water colour, acrylic maybe. Inktense would look lovely in here. No,
the book’s just too nice to spoil.
“I thought you
could use it for special paintings, maybe make a collection just for us – you
know, grown up ones JUST for us.”
I don’t
understand what he’s saying – until I see the expression on his face. “Oh.” My
imagination starts racing. I’ve done a few sketches of River naked. He has such
a beautiful body and it gives me a lot of pleasure to render it on paper,
although I’m not good enough to really do him justice. The thought of making a
whole book full of pictures of River’s naked body in different positions and
mediums makes me shiver and my body tingle.
I can’t help
giving him a dirty look, it’s the way I’m wired. He certainly doesn’t complain.
“You’re going to have to learn to lie still in all kinds of weird positions.”
“I can manage
that.”
“Hmm… We need
to practice. Maybe we could try right now.”
“Can I open my
present first? I have a feeling if we start ‘practicing’ I’ll forget all about
it.”
“Oh, yes, I
forgot. Go on then.”
I’m excited
all over again, nervous too. What if he doesn’t like it?
River doesn’t
unwrap his package carefully. He rips off the ribbon and the paper, throwing it
into an untidy pile at the side of the sofa. I didn’t put the present in a box
so as soon as he takes off the paper he has it in his hand.
River stares
at it for so long I get really nervous. What if he doesn’t like it and he’s
trying to think of a way to tell me that won’t hurt my feelings?
It’s very
simple. I made it at the shop. I’ve been experimenting with porcelain sugar
sculptures. It’s a particular kind of sculpting where the porcelain is hand
rolled and pulled until it’s very, very thin, like spun sugar. This one is a
picture frame formed by two trees. The trunks are the two sides. The spun
branches spread out, meeting in the middle to form the upper edge and the roots
forming the bottom.
On one side a
squirrel is climbing the tree, on the other an owl sits in the branches. There
are birds on the branches and flowers around the base of the trunks. All the
extra details have been hand painted with a tiny brush. Inside the frame is a
photograph of me, River and Ben. It was taken in Sam’s garden, with the oak
tree behind us. None of us noticed at the time that there was a squirrel in the
branches. It looks as if it’s about to jump on Ben’s head. It was the
photograph that gave me the idea for the frame.
“It’s
amazing,” he says at last, sounding breathless. “How did you do it? Where did
you fire it?”
“Rusty has a
friend. He let me experiment. He wouldn’t normally, but Rusty told him I was
trustworthy. I tried a few things that weren’t right, but none of them
exploded.” I’m really proud of that. Many novices use the wrong clay and if
there are too many impurities they can explode. In the worst cases it can
damage the kiln. Most professionals wouldn’t dream of letting a novice use
their kiln. I don’t know what Rusty said to him to make him trust me but he was
very nice, even about the ones that didn’t work out. He has a shop and wants me
to make more for him. I don’t know if I will. It was fun to do; something new
and special for River, but I’m not sure I want to do it again.
River hands me
the frame and for a moment I think he’s giving it back. A pang of pain shoots
through me before he gets to his feet and holds out his hands for it. Taking it
as if it’s the most precious thing in the world, River places the frame on the
mantle, moving candles and photographs to make room.
“That’s
better. I was scared I’d break it but it looks perfect there.”
“Thank you,” I
whisper, getting to my feet. “Do you know what else looks perfect?”
“No, what?”
From the smile on his face, I know he knows what I’m about to say.
“You,” I
breathe and this time when we kiss it such a different kind of kiss.
Hours later,
we’re lying in bed, tired, sated and content. I’m wound around River in the way
I like best and he’s stroking my hair. I love it when he strokes my hair. It’s
one of my favourite things.
“So,” he says,
sounding sleepy, “what do you think of Christmas so far?”
“I think it’s
very stressful,” I say, thinking about it, “There’s so much to do and everyone
seems to be doing it at the same time. There are too many people around and too
much glitter everywhere. Shopping makes my head hurt, and if Ariel hadn’t been
there, I don’t think I could have done it. I’m glad we’re going to Sam’s for
dinner tomorrow because it seems to me that’s the most stressful thing of all.
There are so many television programs about it, and different ways of doing it,
and… well all kinds of things. Hannah’s a really good cook and I’m looking
forward to it.”
“It was nice
of them to invite your parents, too.”
“Yes. I can’t
wait to see them again. It’s been ages.”
“I’m sorry we
didn’t get to go up in the summer.”
“You can’t
help it if your car was broken. Besides…. I wasn’t…. I couldn’t have….” I sigh.
Even now I have times when something scares me and I can’t go out again for
ages. That place inside my head where I go to be safe is still there.
Fortunately I know my way back out again now, and River knows how to help me,
but it takes time.
“Don’t worry.
You can’t help being ill and you’re getting better every day.”
“I know.”
Is it an
illness? Really? Fear? That’s what it is; fear. Fear of everything. Fear of
being free. Is that an illness? I don’t know.
“I like the
sparkle,” I need to change the subject. Thinking about that is making me sad.
“All the glitter and lights. Some places are really beautiful, like the shops.
Rusty let me help decorate the shop. I’m glad about that because if it had been
up to him there would have been nothing but glitter and holly.”
“That might
have been nice.”
“Not as nice
as the forest I made. We used some of our kits so people can see how nice they
look when they’re made up.”
“No one who
buys one of your kits will be able to make it look as nice as you do.”
“But it
doesn’t matter. As long as they make it look as nice as they can it’s worth it.
It brings beauty into the world, so it’s beautiful.”
“What’s your
favourite part?”
I have to
think about that. I have so many favourite parts. Going shopping with Ariel.
Choosing presents. Making River’s surprise. All the pretty things. But none of
that is my favourite.
“My favourite
part is that everyone’s nice to each other. People smile at me, even when they
don’t know me, and say ‘Merry Christmas’. It makes me feel happy inside
whenever someone does that. Usually, people don’t talk to me at all, so that’s
special.”
“Yes, yes that
is special. Just like you.”
“I’m not
special. I’m just…”
“Unique,
that’s what you are. My very own, unique, enigma.”
I feel really
sleepy but find enough energy to kiss River’s shoulder.
“Merry
Christmas,” I whisper and hear him echo it as I slide into sleep.
Merry
Christmas.
You can find short flashes with more details about aspects of the story at
Author Name: DC Juris
]
The Pinkerton Man
Mission: Protect the Ex
A Spark in the Shadows
His Heart Held Hostage
The Emperor’s Slave
Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Firefighter and the Marine
Blue Knight
The Royal Guardian