It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I'm exhausted, but happy to be writing again. This week I've actually written around the prompt 'One step at a time' rather than trying to fit it in at the end.
“I thought… I thought you didn’t like being touched,” Robin
gasped when they came up for air. He knew it was a lame thing to say but
silence would have been unbearable, and he couldn’t think of anything else.
“And I thought you were straight?” Cyan said, sombrely. “I
really hope you’re not doing this to hurt me.”
“Hurt you? God no! I could…I couldn’t bear to hurt you
again.” Robin was truly horrified and Cyan must have seen it, because his eyes
suddenly lit up.
“You meant it? You really meant it?”
“Meant what?”
“That kiss. You really meant to kiss me. I mean to kiss
me…like that?”
“Like what?” Robin was beginning to get confused and again
it must have shown in his eyes.
“Oh God,” Cyan moaned and spun, flinging himself onto the
bed. “Just go away.”
Robin stood in the doorway, his mouth opening and closing.
“What just happened?”
“Go away.” Cyan’s face was buried in a pillow, and it was
hard to make out the words. The body language, though, was not difficult to
read at all. Cyan was in pain. Somehow, Robin had hurt him again, and he had no
idea how.
“What did I do? What did I say?”
“Go away.”
Something snapped in Robin and he stormed across the room.
“I will not go away,” he said. “I
don’t know what the hell’s going on here, but it’s bullshit. I don’t know what I’m
supposed to have done this time, but whatever it is, I’m not going to apologise
because it’s all in your head. Okay. I will not
be frozen out because I kissed you, when I know very well you wanted it as much
as I did.”
“But you didn’t.” Cyan said, his voice
still muffled by the pillow. “You didn’t mean to kiss me like that; not like…that. You said so.”
“I have absolutely no idea what
you’re talking about. You’re doing my fucking head in. I didn’t say anything.”
“I know. That’s what I mean. You
said it by not saying it.”
Robin caught himself before he
spoke angry words. He took a steadying breath and sat down on the bed, laying a
hand on Cyan’s shoulder. Cyan jerked away from him, and turned over, so fast he
almost fell off the bed. “Don’t touch me,” he said, automatically, and sat up.
“You weren’t complaining two
minutes ago.”
“I know.” Cyan lowered his eyes.
“But that’s when I thought…”
“What? When you thought what?
Look, none of this is making sense to me. I know you’re hurt and upset about
something but I don’t know what it is. I’m sorry, but I don’t speak Cyan.”
Cyan frowned. “What do you mean?”
“A lot of times what you say
doesn’t make sense, at least not to me. I know it’s not your fault. I know you
see the world differently to others, and that’s fine. I don’t care. I don’t
care if you’re a bit…different. I don’t care if I have to change the way I see
things to fit in with you, because I can’t expect you to change to fit in with
me. What I do care about is that you make giant leaps, leave me behind, then
freak on me because I haven’t kept up. You did it when you kissed me, and
you’ve done it again when I kissed you.
“All I want is for you to talk to
me. Tell me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, and give me the chance
to do the same.”
Cyan’s frown turned contemplative.
“I don’t understand,” he said after a while.
“Welcome to my world. Can you
please tell me why you’re upset?”
“I was silly. I shouldn’t have….
I always do that. I mean, want things to be more than they are, read situation
wrong and−”
“What exactly do you think you’ve
read wrong this time?”
“It was just a kiss, wasn’t it?
Just a kiss, nothing else. I thought…. I though you wanted…. But you don’t.”
Cyan’s head drooped so low it almost touched the bed.
Slowly, light dawned and Robin
sighed again. “Don’t tell me what I feel,” he said softly. Cyan’s head jerked
up. It was impossible to tell from his expression what he was thinking, but it
make Robin’s heart jump nevertheless. Cyan was impossibly lovely.
“But you’re straight,” Cyan
whispered.
“I never said I was, and I never
said I wasn’t,” Robin said. He swung his legs up to kneel in front of Cyan.
Cyan stared at him as if he was terrified. Robin felt the need to be very
careful, as with a wild animal liable to bolt.
“Is it okay if I touch you?” he
asked.
Cyan’s eyes widened even further,
but he nodded slightly.
First, Robin ran his hand gently
up and down Cyan’s upper arm. When Cyan didn’t pull away, he
moved closer and
tucked a shining hank of hair behind Cyan’s ear. Cyan flinched.
“Is that alright?” Robin asked.
“Is it alright if I just touch your cheek?” Cyan bit his lip and nodded. When
Robin brushed the tips of his fingers gently over Cyan’s cheek, Cyan shivered,
but again
didn’t pull away. Indeed, a small smile appeared.
“I don’t mind you touching me
like that,” Cyan whispered.
“Good, because I’m going to be
doing it a lot. I don’t know if I’m gay or not. I’ve never been with a man,
never even found another man attractive. I still don’t. Not really. But I do
find you attractive, and I want to kiss you…like that. I want to get to know
you like I’ve never known another man. I don’t know if this is going anywhere,
but I want to try. Is that what you want?”
Cyan nodded.
“Then we’ll give a go. But this
is new to me, One step at a time, okay?”
A beautiful, bright smile broke
over Cyan’s face, and this time the nodding was enthusiastic.
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